Tuesday, May 24, 2022

BIRDS AND BEARS

 SO HERE I AM AGED TWENTY SEVEN AND I FANCY MYSELF A BIRDWATCHER. SO, LIKE I SAID I'M TWENTY SEVEN AND I HAVE SAVED UP ENOUGH TO GET MYSELF A HOUSE. I HAVE MADE OR BOUGHT PLENTY OF HOUSES FOR THE BIRDS. IT'S A HOBBY THAT GOT OUT OF CONTROL OVER TIME. I MEAN I LIVED IN AN APARTMENT, ON THE THIRD FLOOR, YOU CAN ONLY PUT SO MANY ON THOSE TINY BALCONIES, RIGHT. SO THEN THEY WERE "DISPLAY " PIECES AROUND THE APARTMENT.

 SO I BOUGHT A HOUSE WITHT THE MONEY I HAD BEEN SAVING, WELL I PAID FOR PART OF IT, AND THE BANK IS LETTING ME PAY THEM BACK OVER THIRTY YEARS, SWELL BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

 SO I BOUGHT THE HOUSE, NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE OF HOW IT LOOKED OR HOW WELL MAINTAINED IT WAS, I BOUGHT IT BECAUSE IT SETS UP IN FRONT OF AN ABSOLUTELY STUNNING SET OF WOODS. YOU CAN SEE THE WOODS LEAKING ANIMALS, AND A FAIR AMOUNT OF THEM ARE BIRDS.

SO I GET ALL OF MY BIRDHOUSES SET UP IN THE BACK YARD, I GET THE BIRDFEEDERS, AND A COUPLE BIRDBATHS SET UP AROUND MY NEW TO ME HOME. OH, IT LOOKED WONDERFUL, I COULD SIT IN MY KITCHEN AND WATCH THE BIRDS THROUGH MY BINOCULARS.

 I COULD SIT OUTSIDE UNDER A TREE THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD ESCAPED FROM THE FOREST, YOU KNOW IT PRETENDING TO JUST BE OUT FOR A WALK OR SOMETHING. OR MAYBE IT WAS SENT AS A SCOUT FOR THE REST OF THE FOREST. I HATE TO THINK THAT IT WAS JUST THE REMAINING TREE THAT KEPT FROM BEING CUT AWAY TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE HOUSE. MAKES ME SAD TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY. I WOULD REALLY JUST RATHER CONSIDER IT A WANDERER, OR A SCOUT ON RECON.

THE BIRDS WERE EVERYWHERE AND I KEPT BUYING MORE SEED, AND MAKING CONDOS, AND MANSIONS FOR MY LITTLE AVIAN FRIENDS. I KEEP A JOURNAL OF THE DIFFERENT BIRDS BY SOUND, SIZE, MARKINGS, PERSONALITY QUIRKS, IT IS VERY IN- DEPTH. I AM LOVING HOW I GET TO SPEND MY DAYS WATCHING, LEARNING THE BIRDS AND THEIR WORLDS.

ahem... pardon me, i don't know if this is the right thing to do here or not, but i felt like i should finish this out, seeing as the original author isn't going to be able to finish this story. i should say, i am not related, nor do i really know the guy who started this diary of sorts, this journal thread. he lived within a mile or so of the convenience store i work at. it is the only convenience store for many miles around. we sell gas as well, but of course most of the revenue comes in as beer and candy money.

well, i am not sure how to say this, i have never been good at this kinda thing, i only ran across this, cause of the sale of all of the stuff from his house. i'm sure the fellas from the bank are a bit miffed, but it's not like he just up and left of his own accord.

the simple truth is ... he kept feeding all the birds, the birds would spill some of the feed, other small animals would come in to eat the seeds, and some of the birds if they caught 'em. well with the influx of animals onto the property  the larger animals who fed on the smaller animals weren't getting their meals, so they seemed to have a meeting and decided to do something about the guy. 

they sent the bear. the bear normally couldn't give two shits, pardon my french, about guys, or even the other animals most of the time, but winter was coming on, and you can only slurp so much honey, and eat so many flowers and such, before you realize that if you are going to sleep for a few months, you might need something more substantial. all of the substantial food was winging and walking to this guys yard, so the bear, the bear he went and was gonna knock all the birdhouses and feeders, and baths over(as far as anyone can ascertain the goings on of a bear.)

so the bear gets there and sees everything going on in the yard, the animals are fairytaling it up, birds, squirrels, you expected them to be singing and sewing and whatnot. it looked ridiculous to the bear, remember he was getting ready for the sleepy time, so pretty grumpy. 

well there amongst the goings on was a man. the man had on this great big shit eating , pardon my french, grin on it's face. this must have pissed the bear off mightily. of course as far as i know the man was just happy, he had a thing for birds as you may have gathered. the bear though, he takes it personally.

runs right at the poor guy, raises up and growls an attack.

kills the guy, right there in front of the one thing that brought him happiness. 

someone finds what has been left of the guy, no one can find the bear to corraborate the story, but it makes the most sense. they want the property emptied, hire someone local to gather up and sell off all the mans stuff, and that's how i came to be in possession of this couple pages. nice leatherbound journal too. i figured i would cut those pages out, give it to my nephew for his birthday, but something in this story just made me want to finish it for him. probably not how he thought it would end, but there you go- life

Monday, May 23, 2022

BOOK TITLES TO GET YOU TO AT LEAST READ THE JACKET

Book, the movie

50 one act plays dealing with or around turnips
Skip the hummer
How to dress without clothes
Properly attained light fixtures
Maintaining Margaret 
The end of town bleeds
Happy days and mashed potatoes
(the) Jesus cave
heaving bosoms and throwing stars
the purple twit
mable's private dick
illustrated pole dancers guide to buffet dining
kama sutra flip books (volumes 1 -30)
greater than you
airships in mock wars


LITTLE GROANS

 


                LITTLE GROANS, WHAT A SHIT NICKNAME, RIGHT? IT HAS BEEN WORSE THOUGH. MY NAME IS ANTHONY STUPER.

                YEP. 

SO, I HAVE BEEN CALLED SUPER STUPER, STUP-ID, STUPER POOPER THE SHIT SCOOPER, MOANY TONY, BONY TONY, PHONEY BALONEY (BALOGNA) TONY, SCAT THE STUP (STOOP) , TONY MARONEY, TINA, TINY TONY, TIP TOP WITH A SLOP MOP TONY, ANTHONY FORGOT HIS PANTHANY, LITTLE TONES

                THERE ARE MORE, I AM SURE YOU CHOSE A COUPLE FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN AND CLEVER (OR NOT) WORD PLAY. WELL MY FRIEND WHOM I HOPEFULLY WILL NEVER MEET- YOU SUCK TOO.

book idea 231



 There was a deep sadness in his smile.  An ache that could be seen if not heard.  His ability to mimic emotions for others would pass casual scrutiny, but not mine.  His eyes told the same story, trying to look happy, content, but failing in the end.  I see the killer, the taker of breath that he is, because I see the same look when I see my own reflection. 


RANDOM NUMBER BASED ON PAINTING A VALET (not to be confused with the easier to paint velet)

                                                         TWELVE

12 is a very powerful number, or so i'm told. i don't know how "random" 12 is, since it comes up so often, but whatever.

DIALOGUE FROM A MONASTERY IN JUNE

 


          monk a          'BLESS US O'LORD YOUR HUMBLE SERVANTS, THIS DAY WE SHALL TRY AS WE ALWAYS DO, BUT CAN'T SEEM TO ACTUALLY ATTAIN, THE MAKING OF BREAD.'

    monk b            BREAD ISN'T THAT HARD, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING IT FOREVER. 


monk a  YEAH, MOST LIKELY EVEN BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY REALLY CAME FORWARD

monk b   WHA? (like he was in the closet or something)

monk a   YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN THERE WERE MORE OF 'EM, YOU KNOW, ONE TO BRING THE SUN AROUND THE SKY, ONE WHO PLACES DROPS OF DEW ON EACH BLADE OF GRASS IN THE EARLY MORNING, ETC, ETC

monk b UHHHH...

monk a  WHAT ? YOU DON'T THINK THEY MADE BREAD BEFORE HIM? COME ON...

monk b WELL, I JUST DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD BE TALKING LIKE THIS, REALLY

monk a YOU KNOW, THERE WAS PROBABLY A PRETTY RIGHTEOUS GOD WHO MADE SURE THE BREAD CAME TOGETHER CORRECTLY. WELL THAT MOTHER HUMPER HAS CERTAINLY FORSAKEN US THIS DAY!

monk b (in his head) I SHOULD HAVE JOINED ONE OF THE PLACES YOU HAD TO TAKE A VOW OF SILENCE ....

OPENING PARAGRAPH BOOK IDEA 5

 


                IT'S RAINING. NOT HERE WHERE I STAND, BUT AROUND THE WORLD.SOME AREAS ARE HAVING DELUGES, SOMEPLACES, IT'S MERELY A SPRINKLE. HMMM, SPRINKLES, LIKE ON DOUGHNUTS. GOD I LOVE ME A GOOD DOUGHNUT. I LIKE A CHOCOLATE COVERED BAVARIAN CREAM DOUGHNUT WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES, NOT JIMMIES. WHO WANTS JIMMIE OR ANYTHING FROM JIMMIE ON THEIR DOUGHNUT, CERTAINLY NOT ME. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST JIMMIE, BUT JIMMIE AND EVERYBODY ELSE CAN STAY THE FUCK OFF MY DOUGHNUT. I REALLY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE EATING A DOUGHNUT, IT'S RAINING. NOT HERE WHERE I STAND, BUT AROUND THE WORLD

OPENING PARAGRAPH BOOK IDEA 61

 


                        FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE. YEAH, THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE, PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. NOWADAYS IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF YOU ARE WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY, A STREET IN THE SUBURBS, HELL, PROBABLY EVEN ON THE MOON AT THIS POINT. THE STUFF PEOPLE THROW DOWN, AS IF GRAVITY IS YANKING STUFF FROM THEM, AND THEN THEY GET HIT WITH MEMORY LOSS OF THE LAST 30 SECONDS OF THEIR LIVES. "I FINISHED WHAT I WANTED TO OF THIS WAFFLE WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND SYRUP, TIME TO DROP IT NOW, I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO BUY IT, EAT IT, AND THROW IT OUT APPROPRIATELY." I SEE EMPTY GARBAGE CANS ALL OF THE TIME, LIKE THEY ARE NOW VIRGIN PIECES OF ART OR SOMETHING. IT'S STRANGE TO THINK THERE ARE SO MANY MINDS OUT THERE THAT CLICK OFF WHEN THEY FEEL THE NEED TO GET RID OF SOMETHING. ANYWHERE SEEMS TO BE FINE THESE DAYS, NO ONE EVEN SEEMS TO CARE. WELL MY FRIEND , I CARE, I AM GOING TO REMIND PEOPLE WHY IT MIGHT NOT BE A GREAT IDEA TO GET SOMETHING ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE.

OPENING PARAGRAPH BOOK IDEA 34

                    TODAY STARTED OUT THE SAME AS IT ALWAYS DID AROUND HERE. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK CONSISTANCY IS A GOOD THING, BUT IT IS A CRAMP IN MY ASS MOST DAYS. THOSE SAME PEOPLE WALK THROUGH AND AROUND MY LITTLE KIOSK. YOU HAVE THE "PRETENDING TO LOOK LIKE THEY'LL BUY SOMETHING " GROUP, YOU HAVE THE "WHAT IS THIS STUFF" GROUP, AND THE "WE SHOULD TOTALLY GET (INSERT ITEM) FOR TERRY" GROUP. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK TERRY IS, BUT HE/SHE/THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES FOR FRIENDS. RAIN OR SHINE, IT'S THE CONSISTANCY THAT ALWAYS GETS ME FEELING LIKE I SHOULD HAVE CHANGED CAREERS SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER GOT IN MY HEAD WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY THIS WOULD BE, ETC. I AM TIRED OF IT. BUT EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES ME A TAD SAD, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE WEEPY, TODAY I MOVE ON. NO MORE WAKING UP AND THINKING TO MYSELF, TODAY WILL BE THE DAY IT ALL TURNS AROUND FOR ME.